I received a really nice text from my dearest friend today, wishing me a happy Father’s Day. He told me I was a great dad.
Which is such a kind thing to say to any parent, because most of us often find ourselves wondering: Am I a good parent? We all like to THINK we are, but we also know parents don’t bat a thousand. Some parents are absolute train wrecks. Maybe yours.
So it’s not a given.
I remember having this conversation with a group of friends several years ago, and one of them said, “If you’re stopping to even consider it, it probably means you’re doing pretty well. All the a-hole parents never give it a second thought.”
Probably true.
My son (pictured above) was ten when his mother and I split. The fact that he came from what used to be labeled “a broken home”—and I absolutely abhor that term—really put my parenting skills to the test. Did I do okay? Did I handle the situation as well as I could have?
Again, I like to THINK I’m a good parent—but I’ve always questioned how that saga played itself out, and I’ve wondered if I was at my best at parenting during those tough years.
Some people stay together “for the children,” and I’m sure many in that camp judge me harshly.
Others have gone through exactly what I did, and I’ll probably get more empathy from that side of the room.
I suppose the simplest way to put it is: We do the best we can.
Especially in those circumstances, we’re bound to always second-guess every little detail and how it impacted our kids. But there’s really no manual on how to handle everything, and even if someone published one—I’m sure someone has—I would find it useless because every parent is different, every child is different, and every environment/situation is different.
Then I think about my role as not only a parent, but now also as a step-parent. I married a woman with two daughters. The parenting is definitely not the same. As close as I am with the step-daughter who lives with us—and she really is a snarky joy—there will always be a slightly different feel.
As step-parents, we sometimes must tread carefully. Gretchen’s daughter is 23, a grad student who has lived with me since she was 16. Imagine not getting to influence a young person until they were already in high school. It’s not a piece of cake, no matter how wonderful the child is. The whole “biological-versus-step” situation can be tricky.
Have I done a good job? Could I have done a better job?
We do the best we can.
During my run this morning, I spent more time thinking about this. I found myself laughing because I’d prefer to treat this like a college course—I want to be graded on a curve.
I look back on the relationships I’ve had in my past with single moms, and how those fathers—and I mean only in the biological sense—were often crap. I discovered there are terrific divorced dads, there are deadbeat dads, and there are total d-bags. If my parenting is graded on the curve, I feel like I’m near the top of the class.
And last, like most people, I play the comparison game. Not with other parents today, but comparing myself to my own father.
Was he perfect? As much as I revere him—and miss him every day—I look back now and figure he must’ve wondered the same thing: Am I a good dad?
I guess none of us can really grade our own performance in this area. We must leave it up to our children and the others close to us.
And while there are times we might be pretty tough on ourselves, it’s important to step back and remember that raising a child is a long, tough road of responsibility, filled with joyful moments, heartbreaking episodes, and times we want to pull out our hair.
Our children could say the same.
On this Father’s Day, I give a nod of thanks to my dad and all the other dads out there. Well, except for the d-bags.
We do the best we can.
Dom Testa writes fiction and nonfiction, although he’ll never write a book on parenting. We have to each write our own manuals.
Find most of his work at DomTestaBooks.com.